Did I fit in? No, I'm not sure I ever did. I was always the bookworm, the studious one - more interested in learning than the games the other children played. Somehow I was always separate, self-contained... for a long while I saw it as a strength, even considered it a virtue, but experience has shown me the error of my ways. What's that saying? You don't know what you've got till it's gone - that's certainly been true for me.... What child ever appreciates their parents? You think they'll be there forever - you never expect them to go and leave you behind to fend for yourself. Sometimes, when people find out they died when I was young, they get this 'look' in their eyes, a compound of pity and sadness that makes me want to scream. But of course I don't. No, that kind of exhibition has never been my style - I'm more the 'curl up in a small ball and hope it will all go away' type of guy. Over the years I've had lots of opportunities to practice, and I seemed to be getting quite good at it too. Not that I shut myself away from the world, well, not intentionally, anyway. Just my luck that my chosen field means I spend so much time in libraries and ploughing through papers, as it does actually interacting with people... I've learned to get along, just not let anyone get too close - after all, if people become too important to you, how do you cope when they leave? And they always do, in the end, no matter what they say. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did I fit in? No, I'm not sure I ever did. I was always too bright, too inquisitive - I was never going to be the girl who sat quietly in the corner. Guess that's what I get for having brothers. I had to learn early on to stand up for myself, to prove myself the equal of everyone I met. You don't make many friends that way, but I told myself there was time for that when I'd made it in my chosen field. Problem is, you stop using the skills you learn as a child, the tricks you pick up so you get along with others who aren't like you, and all too soon you get out of practice. Lone wolf. That's one description that I've been landed with over the past few years, one of the kinder ones too. I can do what I'm asked to do, but I struggle when I have to rely on others. It's not that I have trouble trusting them, it's just I'm more comfortable doing things for myself. That wasn't a problem when I was a pilot, well, not so much of a problem anyway, but it was bound to hold me back from that place on the NASA program I coveted so much. Then I had to learn to cope, to rely on other people, or I was going to get left out of the loop this time - so I thought, I can compromise, I can do this..... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did I fit in? No, I'm not sure I ever did. I always wanted to be the leader, the one everyone else relied on, ever since I was small. I was at the back of every scheme, the driving force behind every action that went on in our neighbourhood. And then I went into the military, where that leadership was reinforced, strengthened by countless bad experiences, toughened by the deaths of those I led. I can still remember the face of each one, even if their names are more of a struggle now. The things that life has thrown at me - well, some of them haven't been pretty, I can tell you. I've lost more friends than I care to count, and family too, which hurt like hell. So I shut myself off, tried to set up a wall of indifference - I'd go out there and do my job and that was it. A-1 plan, just a shame it didn't work.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did I 'fit in'? No, I am not sure I ever did. Even as a child, preparing myself for what I would become, I was different - knowing the truth behind the lies, as I did, it was difficult at times to stay silent. I knew my life depended on it, and the lives of others, so I did not speak. I steeled myself to follow the orders I was given, to obey without question. I would bide my time, sure that one day things would be different. But they were not. And what I was ordered to do sickened me. When would the time come for us to be free? When it did, would I still be the same person I was, or would the things I had done be proved to have changed me forever? So I could not be truly a part of the future I yearned to see... And one day I saw it, the time to act, to make a stand against all those things I had done. I could not have any idea what difference it would make. ~fin~

Disclaimer : Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is written for entertainment purposes only - no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story-line are the property of the author - not to be archived elsewhere without permission.