There it was again. The pounding headache he had been living with, just about every day, for the best part of a fortnight. Each morning, when he awoke, it was already there, as if waiting for him. Painkillers pushed it back, but little by little, as the days wore on, it crept back into his life. This morning was no different. Even after two cups of coffee and a couple of Tylenol, Daniel's head was still throbbing. He sat at his kitchen table, nursing the dregs of his second cup, and let his head sink onto his arms. How do I keep doing this? he thought, struggling to keep coherent. He waited, aware that time was pressing on. SG1 were due for a briefing session in less than two hours, and he had to get going. As Daniel headed for the door, leaving his cup behind him on the table, he grabbed his jacket from where it lay across the back of the couch. Shrugging his way into it as he opened the door, Daniel was relieved to feel the worst of the headache begin to ebb away, and his mood lightened slightly. Another Monday morning.... he thought absently, as he headed out of the apartment. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "What's up, Daniel?" asked Carter, with a concerned expression on her face. She had entered the briefing room, and found Daniel there, waiting for their next mission briefing to start. This in itself was unusual and would have caused her to comment, but she had been waylaid by the way that her friend was rubbing the back of his neck, his face slightly screwed up in pain. "Oh, hi Sam. Just a headache, I'll be fine," Daniel said, trying to smile despite the way his head was throbbing. "You sure? Maybe you should let the doc check you out." "I'm fine," Daniel repeated, then smiled apologetically at the captain when she winced slightly at his tone, "it's probably just lack of caffeine - my coffee machine died last night, so my caffeine level's a little low." Before Sam could comment further, the other two members of SG1 walked in, closely followed by General Hammond. "You okay, Daniel?" asked Jack, as he sat. Daniel just nodded, both in answer to Jack's question, and also in greeting to Teal'c. Jack seemed to accept that response, turning his attention to the general, and forgetting his concerns as he concentrated on the briefing. Maybe it's not just lack of caffeine, Daniel considered, his mind only half on the discussion going on around him in the briefing room. Daniel thought back to what had happened the other day when he was at home. He remembered waking up on the floor, surrounded by a pile of the books he had been placing on a home-made set of shelves. Spend too much time in the infirmary anyway, not going there just because I've got a headache... Make that headaches, he thought, weakening slightly, ... and maybe I'll tell Janet about them, when we get back from this mission. Around him the usual discussions went on - ambient temperature, radiation, the probe's camera footage, all chewed over, like a hundred missions before. What am I doing here? Daniel thought, suddenly. What a monumental waste of time these briefings are... Half his mind on the discussion going on around him, Daniel's thoughts drifted, taking him back over time, back to when he had first heard of the Stargate, when things had been very different for him. A wave of tiredness seemed to sweep over Daniel then, destroying all the things he valued about the time he had spent in the SGC, his friends, the discoveries he had made. Suddenly, Daniel felt drained, and alone. All the times that he had been hurt, had seen people he cared about suffer, all the pain that he had squashed down over the past couple of years, was threatening now to overwhelm him. Sighing quietly, Daniel dragged his mind back to the present day, back to the briefing room where he was seated. He was aware of the glances in his direction from his team-mates, the concern that was clear in their eyes. None of it mattered. Daniel would do his job, use the skills he had, and no more. Not any more. There was no point to any of this any longer for him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Away from the briefing room, Daniel seemed in a world of his own. Automatically, he assembled the things he would need for the mission, wondering slightly at the ease with which he was able to almost transform himself, knowing now what went where, what to pack. All supremely unimportant to him now, he was going through the motions. "Daniel?" Jack's voice could not cut through the numbness that Daniel was feeling, even sharpened as it was with concern. Daniel glanced up. His friend stood beside him, ready to go, looking at Daniel with a slight frown. For once, the anthropologist was lost for words. When Daniel did not speak, Jack turned away, leaving the locker room - it was only as he reached the door that Jack looked over his shoulder back at where Daniel was still standing. "We leave in ten, Daniel. Don't be late." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Even as he stepped out of the wormhole, onto yet another tree-shrouded planet, Daniel felt none of the usual emotions that 'Gate travel usually evoked. On another mission, Daniel would have been excited, his curiosity ensuring that he was ready to explore from the moment his feet touched the stone the other side of the wormhole. Today he felt nothing. "You with us, Daniel?" Jack asked, noticing the lack of enthusiasm with a glance in Daniel's direction. Daniel nodded, then turned his attention to his pack, rummaging inside it for the videocamera. Jack seemed satisfied with this action, and turned back to the rest of the team. Daniel sighed quietly. What's the point, anyway? he thought. Just another planet full of trees, one that the Goa'uld probably left alone centuries ago. Why am I wasting my life like this? "Let's go." Jack's voice broke through Daniel's contemplations, and he shouldered his pack again, juggling the videocamera from one hand to the other. Falling into line automatically between Carter and Teal'c, he began to walk. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There was no sign of life on the planet. If there had ever been a human colony planted here, there was no sign of it now. The hills were covered with the paths worn by the passing of animals, which wound their way up the gentle slopes, but it seemed as though no human had ever walked this way. "Why is there a 'Gate here?" Carter pondered out loud, when they halted after a couple of hours. "Do you think anyone ever lived here, Daniel?" Silence. As one, three of the members of SG1 turned, looking curiously in Daniel's direction. He was standing slightly apart from where they were gathered, staring intently at.... nothing. He was staring into the middle distance - his body might be there with them on this planet, but it was clear to anyone who was watching that Daniel's mind was far away. "Daniel?" Carter repeated, frowning slightly. Even when he was deep in contemplation of some artifact, that psychological reponse that makes you always hear your name being spoken no matter what was generally enough to make Daniel react. Jack was standing the closest to where Daniel was lost in contemplation - taking a couple of quick steps forward, he reached the anthropologist's side and was startled by the expression in his friend's eyes. They were blank. Daniel just stood there, unblinking, until Jack shook him gently by the shoulder. Daniel jerked violently, reacting far more strongly than Jack had anticipated, and the colonel took an involuntary step backwards. "Wha...?" Daniel blurted. "What's up?" "What's up?" Jack snapped. "You were a million miles away, Daniel." "I was?" Daniel asked quietly, looking round at the rest of the team with a bemused expression on his face. "You seemed... distracted, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c replied. "Ya think?" Jack asked, interrupting. "Can we go now?" Jack gestured for the others to move out, taking one last look at Daniel before turning back down the path that led back to the 'Gate. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ They were close to the 'Gate when it happened, just crossing the small rise leading into the valley where the 'Gate itself stood. For the last mile or so, Jack had noticed the way Teal'c was casting surreptitious glances over his shoulder, back the way they had come. He had been feeling it too - a feeling of being watched that made the skin between his shoulders itch. Jack felt as though someone had crept up on him and painted a large target there on his back, and someone he coud feel but not see was taking aim.... The next time that Teal'c glanced round, Jack caught the Jaffa's eye and nodded slightly - an answering nod confirmed his suspicion. The Jaffa had heard something, seen something, sensed something somehow that made him uncomfortable. Those instincts had saved the lives of his team so many times, Jack had no hesitation in trusting them. "Captain, Teal'c," he said quietly, gesturing for them to spread out. As they began to move the shooting started. Staff-weapon blasts hit the earth where they had been just moments before, sending up a spray of dirt and debris. "TAKE COVER!" Jack yelled, diving behind a pile of rocks nearby. From where he was crouched, Jack could see the rest of his team running for whatever shelter they could find - fortunately this planet had dense undergrowth, and the terrain was rocky, so there was much shelter to choose from. Stretching round the rocky outcrop that was protecting him, Jack laid down covering fire, watching SG1 scramble to safety one by one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ They were pinned down, that much was certain. From where Daniel was, crouching behind a small outcrop of rock that felt much too small for comfort, frequent staff-weapon bursts striking the dirt to either side, he could see the others similarly trapped. I don't want to die here, Daniel thought, in fact, I don't want to die at all. His mind working furiously, but somehow coldly, assessing his chances of a successful escape from this situation, all Daniel could think about was his own safety. The attacking Jaffa were advancing slowly, inexorably heading up the small rise where all four members of SG1 were trapped, and Daniel felt his panic building. As they advanced on his position, some instinct made him bolt from his hiding place, running, somewhere, anywhere, as long as it was away from here. As if it was happening in slow motion, a glance back over his shoulder showed one of the Jaffa whirling in his direction, staff-weapon raised to blow him away. Suddenly there was a flash of movement and Teal'c appeared from his hiding place, screaming with rage as he charged the Jaffa, taking a blast from the staff-weapon in Daniel's stead. This event seemed to turn the tables, with the attacking Jaffa finding themselves under attack. Jack erupted from where he had been sheltering, his automatic weapon raking shots across the Jaffa nearest to him, as he tried to work his way to where Teal'c was lying. In a matter of minutes, everything had changed. Daniel was not there to see it. He had thrown himself behind the nearest pile of rocks, when he had seen the Jaffa about to shoot him, and had cowered there ever since, hands wrapped across his head, rocking slightly with fear until the noise of the battle died down. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When Daniel emerged from his sanctuary, it was all over. Jack was helping Teal'c to his feet, the Jaffa's usually impassive face twisting with the pain from the wound in his side. As Daniel neared the rest of the team, Jack spared him a contemptuous glance, but that was all - there would be time for recriminations later, the expression on Jack's face clearly said. What was I thinking? Daniel wondered, falling into line as the team continued their travels towards the 'Gate. Carter had taken point, heading down towards where the DHD was standing, she began to dial the address for home as soon as she reached it, glancing anxiously over her shoulder to see where Jack and Teal'c were. They were moving slowly, Teal'c's arm draped across Jack's shoulder, as he supported the Jaffa, and the wormhole began to form just as they reached the foot of the steps. Carter sent the signal, as the duo mounted the steps, heading towards the 'Gate. Without looking back, Jack and Teal'c passed through the event horizon, as Carter looked round for Daniel. "Daniel?" Carter's voice was uncertain, its tone implying a variety of emotions. Uncertainty and concern were the most evident there, and Daniel cringed slightly, his guilt beginning to grow. He felt the responsibility for Teal'c's injury start to creep upon him and he dare not speak. Without even looking at Carter, or responding to her unspoken questions, Daniel stepped into the event horizon, aware that Carter was only feet behind him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The medics were already leaving the 'Gate room, as Daniel and Carter stepped through the event horizon. Jack was heading out of the room, still supporting Teal'c, clearly heading for the infirmary. He looked back at the 'Gate as the wormhole shut off, and his expression was still as forbidding as before. Nice work, Jackson, Daniel thought, if he wasn't pissed with you before, he is now... "Daniel?" Carter's voice cut through, as Daniel watched Jack and Teal'c leave, still standing there as the door to the 'Gate room swished shut behind them. "What?" Daniel snapped, turning to her. "Are you okay?" "Just peachy, Sam," Daniel replied, with a bitter laugh. Daniel headed away from the 'Gate, aware of Carter walking slightly behind him, his footsteps and hers clanging on the metal ramp. At the door, Daniel headed off down the corridor alone, Carter's eyes on his back. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Down in the infirmary, Jack was pacing, measuring the length of the corridor outside where Teal'c was being examined. What the hell did he think he was playing at? Jack wondered, looking back in his mind to the events on the rise. And where is he now? If Daniel was acting true to form, he should be turning up any minute now, full of apology for his stupidity. He would come and practically grovel to Teal'c, knowing he was responsible for the Jaffa being wounded, that Teal'c had saved him from possibly being killed. So where was he? As the minutes passed, and no Daniel arrived in the infirmary, Jack's anger grew. Of all the reckless... irresponsible... downright stupid... "Colonel?" Jack whirled round as someone spoke, and found himself staring at Dr. Fraiser. She was smiling at him, and Jack felt a weight lift slightly from his shoulders. "Teal'c?" Jack asked, shoving the anger he was feeling back down inside himself. "He'll be fine, colonel. A couple of days bed-rest, with the help of his Goa'uld larva, and he'll be fine," Dr. Fraiser replied. "Are you ready for your medical now?" "There's something I need to deal with first, Doc," Jack said, heading for the door. "I'll be back in an hour, okay?" Dr. Fraiser watched Jack as he practically ran from the infirmary, with a smile still on her face. "Whatever you say, colonel," Dr. Fraiser said, knowing her words went unheard, "and the best of luck to whatever poor soul you're so angry with..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "What the hell is wrong with you, Daniel?" Daniel was standing by his locker when Jack burst into the room, almost incandescent with fury. The few others who were there took one look at the rage on Jack's face, gathered up their things and fled, glad that they were not the target of the colonel's anger. Daniel, however, did not even flinch at the suddenness of Jack's appearance, and carried on getting dressed, as if the colonel raging at him like this was an everyday occurrence. Somehow Daniel's lack of response enraged Jack even more. Grabbing Daniel with both hands by the front of his flannel shirt, Jack slammed the anthropologist up against the locker behind him. Daniel's head rebounded painfully against the metal of the locker door, and a small part of Jack's mind, the part that was not overwhelmed by anger, noted the way that Daniel bit his bottom lip slightly. "You..." Jack ground out, punctuating each word with a shake, "...Teal'c could have been killed." Daniel's head lolled from side to side helplessly as Jack shook him. He hung limply from the hands fisted in the front of his shirt, not responding to either the words or the movement. There was something in Daniel's eyes that Jack glimpsed momentarily, and that something sobered him quicker than if someone had thrown a bucket of water over him. That something was a terrible look of resignation, a lack of caring, so different from everything Jack had come to associate with his impulsive friend. It was a chilling thing, almost alien to Daniel's nature, and Jack hated it from the moment when he saw it there in his friend's eyes. As he went to let go of Daniel's shirt and lower him onto the bench there, it was as if a switch was thrown in Daniel's head. For the first time since Jack had grabbed him, Daniel began to struggle, arms flailing out at the colonel as he tried to wrench himself free from Jack's grip. "Calm down," Jack said, as he struggled to hold on to Daniel's thrashing body. "Let. Go. LET. GO!" Daniel's voice rose in volume in tandem with the vigour of his actions. Somehow, Jack managed to put Daniel back on his feet before letting go of the anthropologist's shirt. Daniel's face was red with fury, and he took a step towards Jack when his feet were firmly on the ground, arm lifted as if he intended to strike out. Suddenly, a cold smile crept across Daniel's face - as swiftly as he had raised his arm to strike out at Jack, he lowered it, crossing his arms then in front of his chest. "Don't touch me," Daniel said, his voice as cold as the smile that graced his normally friendly face. "We have unfinished business, Daniel," Jack said, his mind working furiously to try to fathom Daniel's strange behaviour. "Teal'c was almost killed because of that stunt you pulled." "I have nothing to say to you," Daniel said, turning back to close his locker door. For some reason, those cold words were enough to re-ignite the anger that Jack had been feeling, an anger that had been abated slightly by Daniel's reaction. Stepping towards Daniel again, Jack was determined that Daniel would talk about what he had done. "You can't walk away from this," Jack snarled. "Watch me," Daniel replied, attempting to push his way past Jack and leave. "No way," said Jack. Putting out both hands, Jack shoved Daniel till he slammed back against the lockers behind him. "We have nothing to talk about, colonel," Daniel said, "and unless you intend to attack me again, I suggest you let me leave." The steel in Daniel's tone was reinforced by the coldness of his tone when he spoke. Jack knew then with a terrible certainty that nothing he could say would make a difference to this man. Somewhere along the line, Daniel Jackson had ceased to give a damn about anyone except himself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Where's Daniel?" Jack asked of no one in particular, glancing around the briefing room. "Dr. Jackson has left on a mission with SG4, Colonel," General Hammond said, coming into the briefing room just as Jack was speaking. He settled himself into the chair at the head of the long table and looked round at the other three people already seated there. "SG4?" Jack echoed, "When did that get the okay, sir?" "They left this morning, about 2 hours ago, Colonel," said Hammond, sorting the pile of reports that lay on the table in front of him. After a few moments, he appeared to have found the one he was looking for, and looked up, speaking again. "Dr. Jackson came to me last night, saying that he felt he could no longer work as part of SG1, and that he intended to resign. I managed to persuade him to think again, and he agreed to a temporary re-assignment to SG4." "HE DID WHAT?" Jack shouted, his face turning a decidedly unhealthy colour. Hammond's voice was cold and controlled, cutting through Jack's anger as surely as if he had slapped the colonel's face. "Whatever has gone on between you, Colonel, this project cannot afford to lose Dr. Jackson's expertise - hell, I don't intend to lose him, he's too important. And if the only way I can keep him here is to keep the two of you apart, then that's what I'll do. Stay away from Dr. Jackson, Colonel - that's an order. We'll be speaking more on this subject when you return from your mission, you can count on that." Hammond then picked up the folder he had selected earlier, and opened it. He looked directly at Carter then, who realised after a moment's recovery from the shock she was feeling over the news about Daniel, that the general intended to begin the briefing for their next mission. Pushing her feelings about the current situation to the back of her mind, with some difficulty, Carter began to speak about P857H3. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Aren't you done yet, Daniel? Did your mission with SG4 go okay?" Carter asked cheerfully, trying to hide her feelings about having gone through a mission without Daniel. She pushed her way past the other male SG staff leaving the soon-to-be female locker room. Dumping her pack on the bench, Carter missed the look that Daniel aimed her way, as he glanced briefly up at her from tying his shoe-laces. Ignoring the silence from her usually talkative friend, Carter opened her locker, rummaging through the contents in search of her shampoo. I hate sandy planets, she thought. The blow to the back of her head took Carter completely by surprise. Pitching forward as the blow struck, she was vaguely aware of her head hitting the edge of the locker door as she fell, then nothing. Seconds, maybe minutes later, the light began to come back, and Carter was aware that she was flat on her back. As she began to be able to focus again, the realisation that her head was throbbing was followed quickly by a feeling of being squashed. Cold eyes looked down at her from a well-known face, and there was no emotion in them that she could do anything but fear. Daniel was pressed on top of her, his weight mostly lying over her legs and abdomen, making it difficult for her to get up from where she was. Carter's face stung, and she realised that Daniel had slapped her, to wake her up. "Wouldn't want you to miss the party, Samantha," said a voice Carter barely recognised as belonging to Daniel, before he slapped her again. The taste of blood filled her mouth, as anger rose within her, combined with a cold awareness of what he intended. His hands were all over her, one pushing up under the t-shirt she was wearing, the other snaking down to the zipper of her combat fatigues, while the weight of his body made it difficult for her to move. Feeling a little dizzy still, her head pounding in time with her heart, Carter struggled to throw Daniel off. Then it was over, as soon as it had begun. With a heave, Carter was able to oust Daniel from his position pressed on top of her. Blood pouring down her face from a scalp wound, Carter dropped into a fighting stance, determined to exact revenge or at least defend herself from any further attack. The pounding of her heart, and the adrenaline surging through her body made it hard for Carter to decide which instinct was the strongest within her. In the end, it was only the look on Daniel's face that stopped Carter from slamming him into the lockers and pounding him until he felt something of the terror that she had been experiencing. The colour seemed to fall from Daniel's face. Where he had been flushed, his eyes cold and hard, suddenly Daniel was paler than anyone Carter had ever seen before. The only word she could apply to the expression that charged onto Daniel's face was 'horrified' - before she knew it, Daniel had spun out of the locker room, and she was alone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NO! Daniel's mind screamed at him in denial of what he had been about to do, as he ran from the locker room. The small part of his brain that was not transfixed by terror at the expression he had seen on Carter's face steered his feet towards the nearest elevator. He had to get as far away as possible from the locker room, somewhere quiet, somewhere he could think, somewhere he could figure out what the hell was going on with him, to make him act this way. Is this what being a Host is like? Daniel thought as he waited, panting at the elevator door, oblivious to the stares he was attracting from passing personnel. He was panting with the exertion of running full tilt from the locker room, shaking with the thought of what he had been at the brink of doing. I watched myself nearly... I knew what was happening and couldn't stop myself... thank God Sam was able to do something... Alone in the elevator car, Daniel ran shaking hands through his hair, while all the while his mind raced. How can I stay here? She'll never forgive me, never trust me again. I've ruined everything, destroyed the only friendships that mean a damn. And Jack... Jack's going to kill me, when he finds out... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "What the hell's going on, Daniel?" Jack barked, storming into Daniel's office. "I've just been to the infirmary with Carter - she looks like she's been five rounds with Mike Tyson. And she says you did it..." Jack's voice was full of fury, as was his face. Written clearly on it too, were his suspicions about what Carter hadn't said about what he was afraid had happened between her and Daniel. Something that the ever-loyal captain would never put a name to, knowing that it would tear apart a team, and a number of friendships, creating a chasm filled with rage that could never be bridged. Once he stopped shouting, Jack took in for the first time what Daniel was doing. Packing. Shredding. Boxing up books, piling up reports. A heavy weight settled in Jack's stomach - a feeling that he was witnessing the beginning of a spiral, that would leave him without his closest friend, which ever way this scenario developed. "Daniel?" Jack spoke, more calmly than he felt. "What the hell are you doing?" "What does it look like?" Daniel snapped, not even looking across at Jack from the pile of papers he was sorting and shredding. "Bit late for spring cleaning," Jack joked uncomfortably, his heart pounding as he tried to lighten the mood despite the anger he still felt. "Time to move on, colonel," Daniel said coldly, his hands still busy pushing papers through the shredder. "Move on?" Jack's voice began to fill with another emotion, this time it was worry that rose to the surface and threatened to drag him down. He could hardly watch as his friend turned to him from the shredder, with an unreadable emotion clear on his face. Daniel's eyes were cold blue, lifeless compared to their normal vitality. Something about them made Jack wince slightly. As he tried to interpret what was different about Daniel, the anthropologist reached a hand into his jacket pocket, and pulled something out. "What...?" was all Jack was able to say. The next thing Jack knew, he was lying on his back on Daniel's office floor, his body tingling with the charge from the zat gun that his friend had shot him with. As he tried to fight the slipping into unconsciousness that threatened to sweep over him, the last thing Jack saw was Daniel. He was standing over Jack, eyes narrowed, the zat gun raised for another, fatal, shot. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NOT AGAIN! NO! The zat gun fell from Daniel's nerveless fingers. He stared down at Jack, who lay before him unconscious. All my fault... Daniel recalled the emotions that he had seen in Jack's eyes, as his friend fought to stay awake. Fear. Resignation. Anger. Sorrow. He had been so sure that Daniel was going to shoot him again. I can't stay here now, Daniel thought desperately. Even if Sam could have forgiven me for.... Daniel's mind choked on the thought of what he had been about to do. First Sam, now Jack... it's safer for everyone if I get as far away from here as possible. Looking round the office that had been a second home to him for a couple of years, it seemed to Daniel that every artifact there had a story, a memory attached. That piece of pottery, Daniel remembered pointing out the distinctive inscription on it to Sam, seated by a campfire. That mission had been like a vacation, travelling to a deserted planet, one the Goa'uld had probably ignored for a thousand years - Daniel remembered the look of interest that Sam had been able to summon up, even though he knew deep down that she regarded artifacts with something of the same attitude that Jack held. She was just better at disguising her lack of interest. That statue, he had brought that back from the planet where he had discovered the mirror device, the one that had taken him into another reality. Even when he recalled the pain of the staff weapon blast he had received before falling back through the 'Gate to try and find his way home, what was uppermost in Daniel's memories of that mission was the look of relief on Jack's face when Daniel came back through the device. There is nothing here I want to take with me, Daniel thought, I need to leave here and have nothing to remind me what I've destroyed for myself. Realising suddenly that, even though there was nothing he wanted to take, there was something he needed to leave, Daniel turned to his desk. Picking up a pen, he began to write. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jack was surprised to wake up. The look he had seen in Daniel's eyes as he lay before him on the floor of Daniel's office had seemed to be the look of someone who would kill without a second thought. Yet Jack was still alive. And he was alone. Daniel was gone. Jack struggled to his feet, pulling himself up part of the way by the table he lay beside. On the surface of the table, Jack saw the zat gun. Glancing at the clock on the nearby wall, Jack estimated that he had been unconscious for nearly two hours. It had been sheer bad luck that no-one had walked in on him in that time, found him lying there, and raised the alarm. By now, Daniel must surely have left the base. A wave of nausea hit Jack then, and he sagged into the nearest chair. Even the act of thinking was too much. Mentally pushing back the nausea, Jack reached for the phone. Once he had called Security, Jack had his answer - Daniel had left the base an hour and a half earlier, carrying a rucksack. He's not coming back, Jack thought. Glancing round the office for clues as to where Daniel might go, Jack's gaze was caught by an envelope. Propped up against the PC, with Daniel's beeper lying in front of it, the front of the envelope had only one word on it: Jack. Suppressing his need to retch, Jack struggled up from the chair he was in, and slowly made his way over to the envelope, muscles screaming at his treatment. Settling again in the chair in front of the PC, Jack grabbed the envelope and ripped it open. Inside was a small piece of paper, covered in Daniel's distinctive scrawl. Squinting slightly at some of the handwriting, Jack read his friend's parting words. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Sir?" Carter's voice startled Jack back into the real world - Jack had been sat in the same chair for the past ten minutes, having read the note Daniel left a dozen times. Looking up at where Carter stood in the doorway, Jack was surprised at the sound of his own voice when he spoke. "He's gone, Captain," Jack grated. "He needed our help, and we let him down." "Daniel?" Carter asked, her face pale under the artificial lights. Jack nodded, holding the note he had been reading and re-reading over to the captain, so she could see for herself what they had done. The note was unsigned, but the handwriting alone told the story clearly. Always distinctive in its illegibility, the writing on this note shook with emotion. Jack, By now you know what I've done, what I've become. I'm responsible for what happened to Teal'c on our last mission. I watched myself attack Sam, and then shoot you. I can't stay here - I couldn't bear the way that you and Sam would look at me. I hate what I am now. I need to lose myself, forget everything I've done over the past four years, and maybe then I can find some peace. Don't look for me. Please. "I should have known. I should have realised when he started behaving so out of character, that something was wrong with Daniel. He needed my help, and all I did was shout at him." Though he was aching all over still from the zat gun blast, Jack's head sank into his hands, at the thought of how he had failed his friend. "You can't take this all on yourself, sir." Carter's voice, quiet though it was, cut through to Jack. "We're a team, remember. We should have helped Daniel when he started behaving oddly, but none of us did. We need to do something now..." Jack looked up at this, eager for any suggestion to move the situation forward from the hopelessness he was feeling. "...and that's get you to the infirmary, sir." Carter smiled slightly at the expression of annoyance that flicked across Jack's face. "Then we need to look for Daniel." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Daniel was gone. His apartment was empty. Despite the usual chaos that reigned there, Jack could tell that Daniel had packed and left in a hurry, taking clothes but, uncharacteristically, nothing that was unique to him. His laptop computer stood unattended on the table, surrounded by a pile of books - Daniel's journals stood in ranks on the shelf, apart from his current one, which lay, a pen shoved roughly into it, beside the laptop. Feeling ashamed to pry into his friend's life even more, but concerned for him, Jack picked up the journal. What he read there made him even more worried than he had been. Flipping back slowly from the most recent entry, Jack could see, for the first time that there was definitely something wrong with his friend. The journal was filled, like all Daniel's journals, with Daniel's distinctive scrawl, each page crammed with information. So what was different about the most recent entries? Still the same handwriting, but there seemed to be a different person writing. That sense of wonder that Daniel had somehow always managed to maintain, despite the most trying circumstances, was gone. In its place was an objectivity that went beyond clinical right through to glacial. No empathy lived in those pages. No attempts to understand the motivation of the people that they had met - just clear observation, like descriptions of bacteria under a microscope. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I'm waiting for an explanation, colonel." If he had thought General Hammond's voice was cold, back when they had last spoken in the briefing room, now it held something of the Antarctic within it. Whatever happened next, Jack knew that he would have to tell the whole story of what had happened over the past few days - the look in the general's eyes alone was enough to assure him that only the entire story would be enough to satisfy. "I wish I had one, sir," Jack began. "Tell me exactly what has been going on with Dr. Jackson, colonel," the general barked, "...and this time leave nothing out." "Sir?" "I've seen the medical report on Captain Carter," the general responded, fixing Jack with an icy stare, "and I know those injuries weren't self-inflicted." To her credit, Carter did not blush, even as the general swept his hand in her direction. Jack realised then that he was in a difficult situation, if he had not done so before. His loyalties were effectively torn between two friends, and he was concerned for both of them. On top of that, Jack's guilt made it hard for him to say what had happened with Daniel, though he knew that the general already had suspicions. "Sir?" "Colonel?" "It's about Daniel, sir..." Jack began, "...but I need to know that you'll hear the whole story before you decide what to do..." Jack's voice trailed off a little uncertainly - as much as he was no stickler for rules and regulations, he knew that what he was about to say in relation to Daniel meant that there was a real possibility that Daniel might be permanently removed from the Stargate project, once the truth came out. "Begging your pardon, sir," Carter continued, jumping in, "you were the one who said we couldn't afford to lose Daniel's expertise, that he was too important to the project..." The general's glare transferred to Carter, softening slightly at the bruises currently showing black and purple on her face. "I did, captain," Hammond said, "so let's cut to the chase, shall we?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Daniel had been suffering from headaches, sir," Carter began. "For how long? And why is there no record of this on his medical file?" "If I may answer that, sir?" Jack replied. "Daniel has a thing about the infirmary, he's always said he spends too much time there." "I believe, sir," Carter took over from Jack, as smoothly as if they had rehearsed the changeover, "that these headaches are indicative of some kind of cranial trauma, which in its turn has led to the strange behaviours Daniel has been exhibiting." "Cranial trauma?" the general echoed uncertainly. "It's the only explanation, sir," Carter said firmly. "I'm no medical doctor, but I can't see what else could possibly have made Daniel act so out of character." "We've seen people behave strangely before, as the result of Goa'uld infestation..." Hammond said. "You know that's not possible," Jack blurted out. Both Carter and Hammond turned to look at him, and he felt for a moment that they had almost forgotten that he was even in the room. "I mean... hell, the doc examines us after every mission, we even have regular MRI's, and there was no mention of anything after our last mission." The general thought for a moment, before picking up the phone and dialling an extension. "Dr. Fraiser," he said, "this is Hammond. Do you have the results from SG4's last post-mission medical? Including Dr. Jackson? Oh, did he? Thank you, Doctor." Cradling the phone, Hammond turned back to the two officers. "It seems," he said, "that a cursory examination of Dr. Jackson after his mission with SG4 did not reveal any sign of Goa'uld infestation. However, no MRI was done - that was scheduled for after Dr. Jackson had changed his clothes, and we know what happened then." The general looked straight at Carter then, and this time she did redden slightly. "Do you want to tell us what happened, captain?" Hammond said quietly. "There's nothing to tell, sir," Carter said resolutely. "Those bruises aren't the result of nothing, captain," the general continued, still speaking in the same tone. "I understand your loyalty to your team-mate, and it does you credit, but there are some things that can't be covered up." "I agree, sir," Carter said, her jaw clenching slightly, "but if you want me to say that Daniel attacked me... I can't." "Can't or won't, captain?" Hammond prompted. "Can't," Carter replied. "I don't believe that Daniel had anything to do with my injuries, sir. Nothing anyone can say could persuade me otherwise." Although Carter had effectively confirmed Jack's suspicions of what had happened in the locker room, he felt a certain pride when he looked at his stubborn captain. Somehow, she was able to look the general straight in the eyes and refuse to answer his questions, but all in that terribly polite way she had. Just as effectively, Jack reflected, as if she had told Hammond to go to hell... It seemed that Hammond knew that he would get no further with the captain either - turning his attention to Jack then, Hammond began to question him about the incident in Daniel's office. Taking his cue from Carter's lead, Jack stressed his belief that Daniel was not responsible for what happened to him either. After a few minutes, Jack could almost see the frustration building up in the general, a frustration that was warring with the knowledge that the two of them would do anything within their power, anything short of an outright lie, to keep Daniel on the project with them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two days later, the phone rang. "I'm trying to get hold of a Jack O'Neill," said a voice Jack didn't recognise. "Speaking," said Jack. "Who is this, and how did you get this number?" "Mr O'Neill, I'm Sergeant Dawes of the Los Angeles Police Department. Do you know someone by the name of Daniel Jackson?" "Is he in some kind of trouble?" Jack asked, feelings of relief that he might find his friend warring with concern. "No, Mr O'Neill. He was admitted to L.A. County Hospital yesterday. We've been trying to find a next of kin for Mr Jackson, but yours was the only phone number he had on him. Do you know who his next of kin might be and how we could contact them?" said the voice, calm and professional. "Doctor Jackson has no close relatives, Sergeant," Jack replied. "Why do you need his next of kin? Has something happened to him?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three hours later, Jack was on a plane bound for Los Angeles. As he sat, outwardly relaxed, his mind ran through the conversation with the police, over and over again. Daniel had been found by the maid in a small hotel where he was staying, collapsed on the floor in the bathroom. She had called 911, and he had been taken to L.A. County, with a suspected aneurism. What the hell is going on, Daniel? First you start behaving like you're not the same person any more, like you don't care what anyone thinks of you, then you run off who knows where... It had taken all Jack's powers of persuasion to make this journey alone. Both Carter and Teal'c had all but demanded to accompany him, but somehow Jack felt that he needed to retrieve the errant anthropologist alone, and their demands had fallen on deaf ears. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arriving at the front desk of the hospital, Jack was directed towards the ward where Daniel was being kept under observation. When he left the elevator, Jack could see a group of people, bunched near a doorway at the end of the hall, nurses and security guards mingling together. For some reason, an instinct he couldn't define made Jack head that way. Somehow he knew that was where he would find Daniel. As he neared the group of people, one of the security guards spotted him, and walked towards him, hand outstretched to stop his progress. "I'm sorry, sir. I'm going to have to ask you to leave. We have a situation here." "I'm looking for a friend of mine, Daniel Jackson," Jack said calmly. As he spoke Daniel's name, the security guard's eyes widened slightly. "He's involved in this situation, isn't he?" The security guard nodded. "I need to see him." "I'm sorry, sir. I don't think that's a good idea," replied the guard. "Why not?" "He has a gun. We're concerned that he might injure himself or someone else." "For crying out loud... I NEED TO GET IN THERE NOW!" Jack shouted. "J..Jack?" The voice, shaking with a mixture of emotions, came from the other side of the half-closed door. Looking back at the security guard, Jack just glared at him, as if to say See?, turned resolutely and walked into the room, pushing his way through the small knot of people gathered there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was like stepping back in time. Last time, it had been a small storage room, this time it was a hospital room, but the expression on Daniel's face was the same. In the half-light, coming through the blinds that covered the window, Jack could see the fear and shame warring for control of his friend. This time, just like the last, Daniel had a pistol. This time, like the last, Jack knew that what he said would be important, would decide if they would both leave this place alive. "Put the gun down, Daniel," Jack said quietly, trying to keep his voice calm and steady despite the fear he was feeling. "Whatever's going on, you know we can get through it..." "You... you don't understand, Jack..." Daniel panted. His hand, the hand holding the pistol, shook and Jack couldn't take his eyes from it. Not again, I've been through this before, Jack thought I can't lose someone else I care about that way, I can't... "The things I've done," Daniel continued, his voice shaking as much as his hand, "the terrible things I've said... to you, to Sam... How can I... how can you forgive me? This has to stop!" Taking a step forward, without thinking, Jack was startled with the speed with which his friend brought up the pistol, pressing the barrel of it against his throat. "Please..." "Not like this, Daniel," Jack pleaded, "you've done nothing so bad that this needs to happen. You don't know how worried I've been, not knowing where you were, if you were okay..." His voice ground to a halt, as he searched for the right words, the words that would make that expression on his friend's face go away. That mixture of fear, sadness and shame. "I don't deserve to live..." Daniel ground out the words, his face wet with tears as he sobbed, his hand shaking so much that Jack held his breath. For a moment, Jack was silent, searching frantically for the right thing to say - then it came to him, simply and clearly. "We need you Daniel. Don't leave us." Daniel's eyes opened wide at this statement, tears still running unheeded down his face. For the longest minute of his life, Jack couldn't tear his eyes away from the pistol, still pressed under Daniel's chin. He could almost see the blood flowing through the veins on Daniel's hand, he was almost mesmerised by the way it shook as his friend sobbed. Then the hand on which he was so closely focussed began to move, pulling the pistol away - his grip loosening, the pistol fell, leaving Daniel standing there, shaking. Without a further thought, Jack stepped forward - with the same movement, he kicked the gun away, and pulled Daniel towards him, wrapping his arms around his friend in mute forgiveness of both real and imagined wrongs. At first Daniel was still, standing stiffly, as if uncertain of Jack's intent, but after a moment, he sagged, arms wrapping round Jack's back, fists bunching in the material of his friend's jacket. "...head... it hurts, Jack," Daniel whispered. "I know. It's gonna be okay, Daniel. I promise." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It had taken all Jack's powers of persuasion to get Daniel to agree to the operation he needed, despite the pain that he was in. More than once, Jack had wished that Dr. Fraiser was there - she was used to dealing with the stubborn anthropologist, who spent more time in her infirmary than Jack was happy to think about. Janet would have made Daniel agree to the surgery in minutes flat, Jack was sure. Finally, as Jack was almost running out of threats that would work, Daniel had caved in. His face had turned an alarming shade of white and green, and he had admitted reluctantly to the latest in a long-running series of headaches. Jack had not been able to get Daniel to tell him when these headaches had started - this lack of information filled the colonel with unease, and a vague sense of guilt. Now Jack was pacing the waiting room near the operating theatre where his friend was. The doctors had assured him that it was a routine operation, to relieve the pressure on Daniel's brain which was causing the headaches, but still Jack was worried more than he liked to admit. As cautiously as he could, Jack had quizzed the doctors about whether this kind of injury could cause a person's behaviour to change. The doctors in their turn had pressed for details, for examples, all of which Jack had been unable or unwilling to give them. How could he explain what Daniel had done? After all, as far as what Jack suspected had happened between Daniel and Carter, the doctors had a responsibility to report it to the relevant authorities. As for Teal'c - Jack knew that once Daniel remembered the events that had occurred on their last mission, he would be wracked with guilt. He had phoned the SGC, fending off the anxious enquiries of his team-mates with the most confident statements he could make concerning Daniel and his prognosis for recovery. In the end, Jack had been forced into persuading Carter to take over the arrangements for Daniel to be transported back to the infirmary once he was well enough to travel. Somehow, even down the telephone line, Jack had sensed that the captain needed to be doing something, keeping occupied while she waited for Daniel to come back. The anxious tone in the general's voice, and in Janet's too, had been there clearly for Jack's benefit as much as it had been for Daniel. Both knew how worried Jack had been about his missing friend, and how much they cared for Daniel themselves, despite the professional facade they might put up. Somehow Daniel had this ability, which Jack couldn't quite categorise, to enable himself to become a concern for otherwise hardened and cynical professionals, people with whom he seemed to have very little in common. People like Jack himself. Jack had assured them that they both were fine, but he knew that when they returned, Daniel would be answering some difficult questions about his actions. How did we miss it? Jack thought furiously, as he paced. Something was wrong, Daniel was different somehow, and none of us noticed. Jack froze, all thoughts momentarily forgotten, as a doctor came through from the operating theatre. As if sensing Jack's gaze, the doctor glanced at Jack and smiled reassuringly in his direction, as she headed out of the waiting room and down the hall. Jack let out the breath he had been holding, certain that this time Daniel's luck had run out. What kind of friends are we? he thought, resuming his measuring of the waiting room. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Daniel looked up from the book he was studying - when he saw the identity of his visitor, he blushed furiously, his face turning a startling shade against the whiteness of the bandages that surrounded his head. Dropping his eyes as he dropped his book onto the bed cover, Daniel's hands twisted together in his lap, then moved to grip the edge of the blanket. "Hi, Daniel," Carter said quietly. "I'm glad you're back with us." "I... Sam, I..." Swallowing, Daniel stuttered to a halt almost before he had begun to speak. "I didn't expect to see you here." Daniel's voice was quiet, but shook with the emotions he was trying to control. Even from where she was standing by the doorway, Carter could see the tears as they rolled slowly down Daniel's cheeks, even though his eyes were still focussed on his hands. Silence filled the room, washing over the two people there, expanding outwards until even the routine sounds of the SGC began to fade into the distance. "I'm going to quit, Sam," Daniel said. "I can't stay here, not after this. How could I expect anyone to trust me again? How could you ever trust me again?" All this time, Carter had been standing by the door to Daniel's private room, her hand still on the door handle. Silently, she stepped forward into the room, closing the door quietly behind her, and moved to occupy the single chair standing beside Daniel's bed. "How can you even bear to be in the same room as me?" Daniel sobbed, still looking down. "Daniel. Look at me." Swallowing a further sob, Daniel reluctantly looked up, not knowing what to expect. "Your face, oh god, Sam..." Daniel blurted out, his eyes falling to his lap again. Carter reached forward quietly and grabbed Daniel's chin with her hand, gently forcing him to look at her. "They're just bruises, Daniel. Hell, I had worse in basic training," Carter said calmly, her eyes still locked with those of her friend. "You weren't yourself, Daniel, I know that. Once I started to get over how angry I was with you, I realised that." "But I nearly..." Daniel choked on the words, and tried to pull away from the grip Carter still had on his chin. "The key word there, Daniel, is nearly. You stopped, it didn't happen, that's what matters. That and the fact that I do still trust you." Daniel's eyes still brimmed with tears, as he continued to look at Carter. After a few moments, she let go of his chin, and his head dropped again, shoulders still shaking. "Remember when we went to P3X797, Daniel?" Carter asked quietly. Stunned by this apparent change of tack, Daniel glanced up uncertainly at Carter. He nodded slightly, looking at her with an expression on his face made up of curiosity and shame. "After I was taken ill, Jack attacked you in the control room. Did you blame him for that? Did you hate him for attacking you?" Suddenly it all became clear to Daniel. Where his friend was going with this argument, and that he was trapped, wrapped up in a logical premise with no way to escape. "He was ill," Daniel agreed grudgingly, "he didn't know what he was doing..." "And that's different from what happened in the locker room?" Carter pushed, unwilling to let Daniel off the hook. "I... I guess not," Daniel finally conceded, after a moment's thought. "Don't leave us, Daniel," Carter said, getting up from the chair, speaking in an unconscious echo of Jack's words at the hospital. "We're in this together." As she turned to leave, Carter hesitated, as if she wanted to add something else, before leaning forward and kissing Daniel lightly on the forehead. Smiling at her stunned friend, she left him alone with his thoughts. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Daniel Jackson." The voice was deep, pulling Daniel back from where he was drowsing, half-asleep. He woke to the realisation of someone standing over him - someone large and fierce looking. "T...Teal'c..." he stuttered, feeling the need to back away, disturbed by the emotions that were clear in the Jaffa's eyes. "I was injured on our last mission, Daniel Jackson," the voice continued as Daniel squirmed, "and the fault was yours." Daniel forced himself to look up, to look into Teal'c's eyes and face the accusation that was written so clearly there. The guilt that Daniel was feeling reflected back at him, the contempt of a warrior, the betrayal of trust. He found himself unable to speak, unable to think of anything to say that would make even the tiniest impact on what was piled up against him. "The fault was yours," the voice repeated, growing louder. Suddenly, Daniel couldn't breathe, as a hand wrapped itself round his throat. Teal'c's face was there, huge in front of Daniel's terrified eyes, his hand choking the life out of the man who had betrayed him, had let him down so badly. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Daniel Jackson." That voice again. Daniel woke with a shudder, hands reaching up instantly to clutch and pull away from a grip that was not there. Teal'c was there, and this time his eyes were full of concern, not scorn. "Are you well?" the deep voice enquired. "Should I call for Dr. Fraiser?" "No, Teal'c," Daniel whispered, his voice shaking despite his efforts to control it, "it's just a panic attack, I'll be fine." The Jaffa stood, at the foot of Daniel's bed, eyeing him with his head tilted slightly to one side, as if he wanted to ask further but chose not to. It was just a dream, Daniel told himself, taking deep breaths to calm his racing heart, Teal'c would never react that way. Daniel glanced up at where Teal'c stood, realising that none of the emotions he had ascribed to Teal'c in his nightmare were there in reality. The Jaffa looked concerned for him, but there was no sense of betrayal evident in Teal'c's expressive eyes. "Teal'c..." Daniel began, needing to clear the air, "...I'm sorry. About what happened." Teal'c did not reply. Okay, this isn't working, Daniel thought, maybe I need to grovel more? "It was my fault you were injured, Teal'c," Daniel continued, "and I can't begin to tell you how that makes me feel." Still no reply. What the hell? Daniel wondered, his mind now working furiously. "Daniel Jackson," Teal'c spoke finally, his voice calm and assured as ever, "you are afraid of me." A statement, not a question, spoken in a voice that brooked no argument. "I...," Daniel stuttered slightly, looking for the words to deny the truth behind his friend's statement. "I suppose so..." he conceded finally. "You are my friend, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said simply, as if that was all he needed to say, as if the rest was obvious and natural to anyone who cared to think about it. Daniel was swept with a sense of relief, a feeling that he had thought lost to him. It might all work out after all, he might not have damaged the friendships which were so important to him. Somewhere out there might still be forgiveness. "It was just a dream, Teal'c," Daniel said, looking up again at where his friend was still stood, "a dream brought about by my feelings of guilt towards you. I was responsible for you being hurt and now I have to live with that, regardless of how you feel about what happened." "There is guilt on both sides, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c replied. "You feel that you are at fault for the wound I received. You are my friend, you were unwell, and I did not help you." Daniel just shook his head. Somehow, once again, Teal'c had managed to shoulder the blame, as he always did. Once again, he had shown that, despite the terrible things he had done in his past, the Jaffa was able to forgive the wrongs done to him and move on. I hope one day I can be that strong, Daniel thought, and deserve that kind of mercy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "You knew." Daniel's voice was flat - not questioning, not accusing, almost toneless. "Daniel?" "All the time - you knew what I did, what I almost did, and you were calm!" As Daniel spoke, his voice gained volume, and emotion, until finally he was yelling. "HOW COULD YOU BE CALM, JACK?" "I meant what I said to you in the hospital, Daniel," Jack said, from where he was sitting on Daniel's couch, watching his friend pace the living room carpet. "We can get through all of this." "What if I don't want to get through this? Had you thought of that when you planned out the rest of my life?" Daniel snarled, his eyes locking on Jack's. "What if I can't get through this?" "So what are you saying? That you're going to run away again? Stick your head in the sand and hope if you ignore it, everything will go away? It won't - we won't." Jack paused, rubbing a hand over his tired eyes. "Take it from one who knows, Daniel, repression is not your kind of thing." Daniel stopped pacing, looking exhausted. "Sit down, before you fall down," Jack ordered, pointing at a nearby chair. "Or do I have to call Janet and tell her you aren't following doctor's orders?" For once, Daniel did not argue, dropping into the chair in question as if the weight of the world were on his shoulders. He slumped there, his head in his hands. His questing fingers found the bandages that were still round his head, still working as if to drag an answer from his over-tired brain. "We take one day at a time, Daniel," Jack said, "that's all we can do. Hell, that's all most people do, when it hurts too much to look any further..." Daniel did not look up, but his fingers stilled, and Jack knew that his friend, even though lost for words, was at least listening. "I can't promise you that it'll be easy," Jack continued, "take it from one who knows. When you've had terrible things happen around you, whether you're really responsible for them or not, then you can't forget them. You can't act like all of this never happened Daniel, but you can't let it destroy you either, you're too important to us." Jack stood then, picking up his jacket from where he had thrown it over the back of the couch. "Get some sleep, Daniel," Jack said, as he was leaving. "Tomorrow's going to be a long day." ~fin~

Disclaimer : Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is written for entertainment purposes only - no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story-line are the property of the author - not to be archived elsewhere without permission.