He'd learned the hard way just what he could and couldn't do, discovering the truth in a thousand different places as the evidence grew. It was unpredictable too, no signs to warn him when the nightmares were coming, barrelling down on him like a train on a track and just as unstoppable till it was far too late. Nights on patrol were fine, since the hard earth ensured Ezra didn't sleep too deeply and keeping watch was helpful in making sure of that as well. No alcohol, at least not combined with anyone he wanted to spend the night - the booze would make him sleep too deeply, leaving his bedfellows liable to discover more about the hidden parts of Ezra Standish's soul than he wanted anyone to know, himself included. Laudanum too, though Nathan had never confirmed his deepest fears; Ezra wanted to hope that meant he hadn't betrayed himself but didn't dare ask the question, fearing the response. His own bed was too comfortable to ask another to share, for anything bar a frantic coupling where the other would leave under cover of darkness. The warmth of another human being and the softness of his feather mattress would be far too dangerous a mix to risk. That left furtive encounters, fumbling in the darkness, making something a little shameful of a thing which otherwise would not have embarrassed him in the least. That it was illegal, what he did, held no sway over Ezra's knowing it was who he was. If he could have been himself, open and honest about this at least in a way that thoroughly did not fit the picture most held of him, Ezra knew it would have been a good thing. Good for both of them, instead of making the man he wanted feel he was something to be ashamed of, something Ezra was ashamed of, and thinking he knew just why that was. He couldn't know, not really, without knowing everything and that was far too much.

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